Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Dazed and Confused
So I can't go into detail on here, but I feel my ENTIRE life has just been unraveling before my eyes. I have been keeping up with the Lord and feeling even more close to Him than ever before. Satan really really really makes me angry. Why do bad things have to happen to good people? I just don't understand what I did to deserve this. If I could go back and change the past few weeks...even the past months I would do it in a heartbeat. I've hurt so bad these past months. More than I've ever hurt in my entire life. I just don't understand. But I know that God is with me through this. I just wish my heart didn't hurt the way it does right now. So many things went wrong and not enough went right. I just want this all to go away. I don't want to hurt anymore. I can't write much more right now...but I'll be back.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Just Another Day
Yesterday I went to the Spartan Christian Fellowship Club and had a blast! I met so many new Christians and hopefully will make a lot of friends. I think all of us need new Christian friends to help us on our journey in life.
When I saw the poster hanging in the hallway for the club, I thought that I don't belong there because I have slowly been treading in the water. Just feeling stuck in the same spot of life I've been in for a couple months now. I never realized how hard it truely is to keep my faith in a faith-less world. Going from a small private school to a rather large public College can do a lot to a persons heart.
At this time in my life, I need to learn what friends to keep and what friends are just tearing me apart from God. It's hard to let go of the past, but it's a major step towards a rewarding future. I don't know what I should do. But I guess that's where God comes in. He always reminds me that He's there for me, and I've witnessed it first hand. I just need to pray more and read my Bible. I feel terrible that I haven't been able to pick it up in over a month. I am making the choice right now, to save myself 10 minutes in the morning before school to talk and pray to God. That means getting up earlier. Something I hate to do. But it's just a small step I can take to bring me closer to my Father.
When I saw the poster hanging in the hallway for the club, I thought that I don't belong there because I have slowly been treading in the water. Just feeling stuck in the same spot of life I've been in for a couple months now. I never realized how hard it truely is to keep my faith in a faith-less world. Going from a small private school to a rather large public College can do a lot to a persons heart.
At this time in my life, I need to learn what friends to keep and what friends are just tearing me apart from God. It's hard to let go of the past, but it's a major step towards a rewarding future. I don't know what I should do. But I guess that's where God comes in. He always reminds me that He's there for me, and I've witnessed it first hand. I just need to pray more and read my Bible. I feel terrible that I haven't been able to pick it up in over a month. I am making the choice right now, to save myself 10 minutes in the morning before school to talk and pray to God. That means getting up earlier. Something I hate to do. But it's just a small step I can take to bring me closer to my Father.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
September 11, 2008
It's been 7 years today, and yet the scene of planes hitting the Twin Towers is still engraved in my mind. I was only in 7th grade when it happened, and I have to admit that I didn't know what the World Trade Centers were. I heard two boys talking about it by my locker and thought that they were talking about some new video game which was the normal topic of discussion between them. Little did I know, that what they were talking about, would change my life forever.
I spent the entire day at school thinking about that event and even though I still didn't know what they were, I was mourning for the loss of many people in my country. My middle school had a library that had tv's going non stop with the news that day. When I was supposed to be in lunch, or just on my way to class, I found myself staring at the tv's that showed the most horrific scene I had ever seen.
Now I can't say that those events effected my life directly, but I did feel pure sadness and shock and mourning. I have forgotten many things in life, like where I put my shoes, or my favorite sweatshirt, even my homework. But what happened on that day, 7 years ago, is still fully alive in my memory. I remember exactly what time it was, where I was, and what I was doing when I first heard the news. I even found myself reading biographies and books about 9/11 and the firefighters stories. I was fascinated by it and wanted to know as much as I could. Which I guess is from my mourning and sadness about the whole event.
I didn't feel directly connected to the attacks until about May of '06 when my brother decided that he was going to enlist in the Air Force. I knew what he would be doing and knew in my heart that this was what he should be doing. Helping out our country, even if it was, at the time, 5 years later. I see my brother as a hero, a role-model, somebody I can trust. It has been 2 years since he started and he is now stationed in Japan. The first english words he heard as he got off of the plane in Japan were, "You will be going to Iraq." This scares me. Now granted I know a guy who has been in Iraq for many months now, who says that fighting in Iraq has gone down dramatically. It still scares me to think that my brother, the only connection I have to my birth mom, the only person I know who is directly related to me, will be going to Iraq.
I sometimes stay up at night, listening to my iPOD and just thinking. When the song "Home" by Chris Daughtry comes on, I find myself silently crying and wishing that my brother was still here. I know he's doing what God wanted from him, but it really scares me to know that my brother could in fact, die. I know I shouldn't dwell on the negatives but it's all I can think about sometimes. All the "what-if" questions start popping in my mind and I have to think about them.
I'm too emotional to finish this now, so I will come back to write more.
I spent the entire day at school thinking about that event and even though I still didn't know what they were, I was mourning for the loss of many people in my country. My middle school had a library that had tv's going non stop with the news that day. When I was supposed to be in lunch, or just on my way to class, I found myself staring at the tv's that showed the most horrific scene I had ever seen.
Now I can't say that those events effected my life directly, but I did feel pure sadness and shock and mourning. I have forgotten many things in life, like where I put my shoes, or my favorite sweatshirt, even my homework. But what happened on that day, 7 years ago, is still fully alive in my memory. I remember exactly what time it was, where I was, and what I was doing when I first heard the news. I even found myself reading biographies and books about 9/11 and the firefighters stories. I was fascinated by it and wanted to know as much as I could. Which I guess is from my mourning and sadness about the whole event.
I didn't feel directly connected to the attacks until about May of '06 when my brother decided that he was going to enlist in the Air Force. I knew what he would be doing and knew in my heart that this was what he should be doing. Helping out our country, even if it was, at the time, 5 years later. I see my brother as a hero, a role-model, somebody I can trust. It has been 2 years since he started and he is now stationed in Japan. The first english words he heard as he got off of the plane in Japan were, "You will be going to Iraq." This scares me. Now granted I know a guy who has been in Iraq for many months now, who says that fighting in Iraq has gone down dramatically. It still scares me to think that my brother, the only connection I have to my birth mom, the only person I know who is directly related to me, will be going to Iraq.
I sometimes stay up at night, listening to my iPOD and just thinking. When the song "Home" by Chris Daughtry comes on, I find myself silently crying and wishing that my brother was still here. I know he's doing what God wanted from him, but it really scares me to know that my brother could in fact, die. I know I shouldn't dwell on the negatives but it's all I can think about sometimes. All the "what-if" questions start popping in my mind and I have to think about them.
I'm too emotional to finish this now, so I will come back to write more.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
My Day Today Part 2
So after my last blog I had to sit through my most dreaded class of the day. Quantitative Literacy. Also known as...math class. Well, okay, so it's not my MOST dreaded class, that would be Astronomy, but it ranks pretty high up there. I pretty much just eat and text during that class. I know I'm paying for the class, but I'm pretty sure nobody can focus in that class. All I know is when I leave the classroom, my head is spinning from all the star talk. And how when we see a star in the sky, we're really seeing it as it was a million years ago. It's actually kinda creepy if you ask me.
So of course, after my "so called" mathematics class, I'm headed off to soccer. Which of course would have been alright if there weren't mud puddles everywhere. So we did some small sided games, and shooting. Good thing is, I learned something today. I'm pretty fast! I never knew it before..haha. But it's true. Just another gift from God I guess. So I can FINALLY hit an accurate pass to somebody with my left foot now! Now granted I can't get it every time. But every once in a while is good enough for me.
So anyway, I'm sitting in the computer lab at school. Big shocker there. I think I spend more time here than I do actually in class. But who's complaining.
Well, I'm hungry. And I only have about 2 dollars. I hope I can get something good to eat with that! :)
So of course, after my "so called" mathematics class, I'm headed off to soccer. Which of course would have been alright if there weren't mud puddles everywhere. So we did some small sided games, and shooting. Good thing is, I learned something today. I'm pretty fast! I never knew it before..haha. But it's true. Just another gift from God I guess. So I can FINALLY hit an accurate pass to somebody with my left foot now! Now granted I can't get it every time. But every once in a while is good enough for me.
So anyway, I'm sitting in the computer lab at school. Big shocker there. I think I spend more time here than I do actually in class. But who's complaining.
Well, I'm hungry. And I only have about 2 dollars. I hope I can get something good to eat with that! :)
My Day Today
So today is just another day full of college classes, soccer, and just pure bliss. Well, not really. I started the day off on a bad note. I woke up late, didn't get to eat breakfast, and then was super early for my first class. Which I guess I can't complain about since it's better to be early than late. My first class, which is psychology, went by extra slow today. I'm not sure why, but I found myself just staring off. I mean, I was listening, just super bored for some reason. I usually find that class quite entertaining.
So now it's 11:10 a.m. and I'm sitting in the computer lab at college just staring at the screen and writing this blog. I can tell already that this will be, in fact, a long day. I'm pretty sure that I'm getting sick with something. I'm not sure what it is. But I can feel it.
So anywho, I went to a meeting after church on Sunday about leadership. Since I lead a Kindergarten small group, I thought it would be a good idea to learn about different teaching styles. Well, I wasn't disappointed. I learned a lot about how to be a good leader adn even signed up for a monday night class. Which I'm still not even sure I can attend due to Soccer Season. But I promised myself I would do my best to get there.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about a certain subject. BOYS. I met this incredible guy and I'm perfectly content with being his friend. But I'm still not sure if I want us to be more than friends. I mean, pretty much all the boyfriends I've had (a whole 3) haha. were long distance relationships and they all ended in heartache. I don't know what God has in store for me, like why I happened to meet this guy. Was it because he's a Christian and I need Christian friends at this point in my life? Or is it something else? All these questions just keep surfacing and I can't seem to find an answer. When I do find an answer, I'm never certain if it's God talking to me or myself. I haven't learned how to tell the difference. I wish I had. I wish that someone had told me when I was younger how to know if it's God talking to you. I get so confused trying to decifer my thoughts from His.
Well, my brain is fried now, so I will end this post now.
So now it's 11:10 a.m. and I'm sitting in the computer lab at college just staring at the screen and writing this blog. I can tell already that this will be, in fact, a long day. I'm pretty sure that I'm getting sick with something. I'm not sure what it is. But I can feel it.
So anywho, I went to a meeting after church on Sunday about leadership. Since I lead a Kindergarten small group, I thought it would be a good idea to learn about different teaching styles. Well, I wasn't disappointed. I learned a lot about how to be a good leader adn even signed up for a monday night class. Which I'm still not even sure I can attend due to Soccer Season. But I promised myself I would do my best to get there.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about a certain subject. BOYS. I met this incredible guy and I'm perfectly content with being his friend. But I'm still not sure if I want us to be more than friends. I mean, pretty much all the boyfriends I've had (a whole 3) haha. were long distance relationships and they all ended in heartache. I don't know what God has in store for me, like why I happened to meet this guy. Was it because he's a Christian and I need Christian friends at this point in my life? Or is it something else? All these questions just keep surfacing and I can't seem to find an answer. When I do find an answer, I'm never certain if it's God talking to me or myself. I haven't learned how to tell the difference. I wish I had. I wish that someone had told me when I was younger how to know if it's God talking to you. I get so confused trying to decifer my thoughts from His.
Well, my brain is fried now, so I will end this post now.
Monday, September 8, 2008
So I'm sitting in college wondering what to do. So I guess I'll just write about my day yesterday...so I watched the BEARS game last night! And might I add that they played super amazing football! Even though I don't always understand what is going on. Haha. But I had a little help understanding the game from Andrew. So thanks Andrew! Haha. But yeah. The BEARS totally rocked out!! :)
So yesterday was the kick-off of our new series "Influence" at church. It was a really good message about how as Christians we should bring people to God AS WELL AS care about the world and help people around us. So I believe that we need to not only be concerned with how many people we bring to the Lord, but also how we influence the people around us.
So yesterday was the kick-off of our new series "Influence" at church. It was a really good message about how as Christians we should bring people to God AS WELL AS care about the world and help people around us. So I believe that we need to not only be concerned with how many people we bring to the Lord, but also how we influence the people around us.
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